Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
