i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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