Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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