Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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