hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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