I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
