I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
