i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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