oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
