dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
