The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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