I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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