I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
