i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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