So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm way too hungover for life right now
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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