so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
