It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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