I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
