i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i drank out of a bidet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
