we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
