So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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