So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
