Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize