I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
