the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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