so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
