I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So vagazzling was a success
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
