John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
