This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
