The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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