All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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