I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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