My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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