my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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