I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
