i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
