Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
