Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
