She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
