Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize