Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
