If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize