Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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