i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
