Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
