Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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