wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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