He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
