Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's never too late to be topless.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
