just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize