too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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