I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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