And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
