someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
