Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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