I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
