Bisexual people are plain selfish.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
