I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Yo dont text me then not text me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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