I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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