My sheets look like a crime scene.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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