That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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