i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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