You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
